At a 'tea' party hosted by a gay Russell Crowe which is happening down the street from my old Bellevue Ave. digs near Silverlake. I'm on the toilet in a blackandwhite tiled (Moderne?) bathroom with contrary curtains---like doilies hanging on dark stained and burly woodrings---all of which makes me mind-flit to huge sailboats and Russell Crowe as Fletcher Christian in some new Hollywood bounty mutiny---now wriggling my toes in the U-rug---and why have I taken off my shoes and socks? I'm sitting on the pot but no action. Freezeframe. I'm trying to catch the conspiratorial falsetto conversation of gravelly-voiced Russell and (?) in the next bathroom. He's raving about some sensational loverboy he's been shagging and once again everything goes quiet---the medicine cabinet mirror over the sink swings open and he's back in his world-famous butchtones and tells me: "Take your fucking dump, flush and leave!"Then he smiles and immediately bellows "Mates, come check out the joker taking a dump!" and the bathroom door handle rattles a bit, then swings open onto a spectral corridor of backlit faces, all peering over one another to get a better view. I'm thinking speedily about how to get out when suddenly all goes silent and my stomach starts rumbling out of control, then lets out a tremendous bronx cheer with reverb effects. I'm feeling overwhelmed with shame and Russell yells "CUT!", and now everyone is applauding wildly at my 'performance'. A picture on the wall next to me pops out and Russell sticks his head through and he tells me "Mate, this is gonna be a world-beater. You've outdone yourself". I can see his face powderstreaked with stray eye-liner tracks and am wondering why an actor of his stature can't get better makeup. He says: "You still haven't flushed, mate. Flush and take a bow". I reach behind and find the cold metal handle and plunge. A muffled gurgling and my balls now getting submerged and I'm hopping about with ankle pants while the water rises and my turds (a baker's dozen) jostling each other over the gangplank and onto the U-rug and Russell's beside himself with joy and yelling out: "You've seen it all yourselves! A star is born, mates!"
