Try

I try to believe, and try to swallow this. I do not lose my optimism, I do not lose my faith, my center, my ability, my steadfast certainty. Hours of the day went by so much faster with you in mind. I created you, formed you into the deepest dimension I had resource for. Your hands around me, breath on my cheek, resting on my waist. Walking side by side, to look up to you and recieve the assurance, the smile. All of this, without knowing. When I stop it pains me, I feel the sledgehammer to my lungs, my brain slips into a cold vise. So deeply I believed, maybe I lost sight of the reality. Even though part of me knew this, I tried as best I could to be resolute. I fought against my self, my nature, every step of the way, I had to believe in this, I wanted this so much. When I go go to sleep I try not to see your face but I can’t help myself, and the longing, the desperation, the pain overwhelms me. I try to shut my eyes but they flutter open again. I felt your presence, I was so sure of it. And something in me spoke that this was my future and that you were in my soul. I could not question this. When I heard your laughter. You smiled as you said things, the way you said my name. The craving that had been screaming and eating me inside for years, to be understood and seen, seemed to be fufilled completely by you. In this black downpour I’m trying to see through, see the end, have patience. And I cannot understand, I cannot see beyond, I just feel the trebles of your voice around me, I try to stay calm. You were by my side in this way, and in the darkness I felt your presence wrapped around me. I am thankful that you could stay, thankful for each moment that your love gave me the strength to do the things I had to do. We always want them to stay longer than was meant. I’ll buy things and eat things and do things, and try to forget. Having the hope killed hurts more, watching my dreams disappear in the distance like a beautiful kite hovering in the sky.