Tomorrow morning I will awaken, place my tipsy-toes on the floor and bawl like a kitten. By midday I will have smoked 27 ½ Galloglasses, imbibed ½ tubs of coffee and eaten a melon roughly the size of my head. By mid-afternoon I will have watched 3.5 soap operas, 1.2 cooking shows, half of an Oprah rerun, 47 ½ commercials and Doctor Phil. 37 ½ years earlier I would have watched 1.5 hours of I Love Lucy, 27 hours of Johnny Jelly Bean and as much Captain Kangaroo as my mama would allow me, pretend-smoked 27 ½ Popeye cigarettes, eaten an orange a smidgen bigger than my teddy bear’s head and drunk 2 ½ jugs of purple Kool-Aide.
