This machine churns out the new hausfraus—
perfectly polished, perfectly aproned, perfectly coiffed.
Wigs drip off the rigging and coalesce with unblemished pates
in precisely free-floating shapes. Thanks to a complex system
of invisible wires and pulleys and nailpolish brush sized stakes,
the new hausfraus have inconspicuous strings implanted in their backs,
with shiny ring handles. Pull her string and hear her intone
a clever quip or throaty moan or avant garde thing:
“Oh the rubber calla lilies of my dreams!”
“Put on that band uniform, mister!”
“I’m synaptic, syntactic, and fantastic!”
And flexible, I might add. Aren’t they fabulous?
Almost everything they say ends with an exclamation point
except for the ones whose pulled strings cue
highly sophisticated elevator music
or the perfect soundtrack for baking that juicy pie.
Check out her latticework nightie,
known colloquially as ‘Peekaboo Berry’.
The new hausfraus can change outfits and makeup palettes in three minutes flat.
That model can change diapers behind her back.
That model is a red wine connoisseur AND she’s bilingual.
That model has a textbook knowledge of bondage knots and pressure points.
That model…What? No, that’s nonsense. Nothing ever went wrong
with a safe word switch. We just got some bad press from a creep who was mad
because his hausfrau malfunctioned and kept repeating, “Yum! Yum! Yum!”
like a sugar hiccup even when he bonked her in the head.
I guess she was just too perky and mechanical for his tastes,
but he should have asked for one of the specially trained fetish models.
Look at her. The apron is real black vinyl.
Now you can’t tell me THAT’S Stepford-esque.
The new hausfraus have smooth, toned thighs constructed from the latest high-grade rubber
that feels almost exactly like real flesh. It doesn’t smell at all synthetic, even when it burns.
They come in a variety of trendy candle scents.
Mango is one of our bestsellers. So is Angelfood Cake.
You also get to choose your own accents, hair color, body hair preferences, nipple shape…
Oh, you want a poet hausfrau?
Well, we have a special room for those.
