In the white notebook walls, there is a door. The door slides open from left to right. It is smooth, modern. In some places, there are orange buttons. A white hand guides me into more whiteness. Trolley. Square, orange buttons. PRESS HERE. PRE-OP DIZZY.
ON TOP OF A WHITE OPERATING TABLE. GREEN CLOTH. PURPLE FELT-TIP LINES. DRAWN ONTO SKIN IN LAGOON LOOPS. HERE AND HERE.
I lie on my back. The rib-cage exposed. Arms. Let's do it now, they say.
OUT IN THE CORRIDOR THEN INSIDE.
Two person shuffle. Perhaps two, maybe four. I try to shift my weight onto the left. Something. A hand. Possibly. Fingernails. And a bottle. Sharp scratch coming now. A wetness. 5,4,3,2,1. Yes, she's gone. She's out.
BETWEEN LEGS.
A plug.
Sawing motion on skin. I just motioned with one eyelid. It is not enough.
'I can feel this.'
Childish surprise. Quiet voice messages.
Two hands pulling very, very hard.
'Where is it?'
INTESTINES.
PANCREAS.
BLADDER.
BLOOD.
MATERNAL HABITUS.
ARMS SHIFT SLIGHTLY TO LEFT.
LEGS TO RIGHT AND LEFT. LIFTING. AMAZINGLY BRUTAL FOR SURGEONS.MEAT.WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT IT?
'OH. I CAN FEEL. SEE M...E. H..SE'
(Seratonin blockers. Fist. Twitch. Mouth. Eyebrow.)
Unconscious for two seconds only. Drawing me back in cruel mockery. Awake. Vision. Green eyes. Howling skull inside.
LIVER.
KIDNEY.
BOWEL.
WOMB.
SHELL-LIKE SHE GIVES UP.
Open and rib-cage red, hands inside me. Somehow the top part of me is like a flower. In one piece, with normality from shoulders to swelling-breasts. Firm skin and whiteness. Just a touch, just a touch. To waist. And then no more. Woman-sex from all up.
TWO HANDS MASSAGING PINNACLES OF FLESH. LAMB-LIKE SFO FROCKS OF ADRENALIN. STRANGE HARDNESS OF WHITE-COATS. (Pleasant motion of hand against this part and this, almost soothing.)
FACE MASK OF GAS STEAMS UP IN MOMENTS OF TENSION AND FREEDOM. NO GAS COMING. EMPTY AIR. THROBBING PAIN MESSAGES TO BRAIN. BLOT OUT ALL EXCEPT SOFT PLUCKING.
Scissors and clamps. Scissors and clamps. Scissors and clamps. Scissors and clamps. Scissors and clamps.
Needle and thread on side. Staple guns. Kidney bowls of silver steel. Swabs. Scissors. Focus on tiny things and try not to think. Try not to think. Try not to think. Clamps and spirals. Clamps and spirals. Clamps and spirals. The piece of hair on a nurse's cheek. Try not to think. Clamps and spirals. Clamps and spirals. Hair on cheek. Scissors and clamps. Scissors and clamps.
'I CAN. I AWAKE. NOW. YOU CAN. CAN YOU SEEME? CANYOU EYES LOOK EYES. CAN SEE YOU LOOK SEE...FU..'
A small tear welcomes cheek. It is un-noticed.
'CAN Y..EY..SEE...'
THREE HOURS.
THREE HOURS.
THREE HOURS.
